Adoption is a wonderful way to build families. However, adopted children don't always like it. How many adoptees get up every day and say, "Thank you for separating me forever from my birth family?" Loss is at the core of adoption.Losses that include birth parents, extended family, home, pets, neighborhoods, schools, friends, treasured belongings, and in some cases culture. Don't discount the loss of "the little things" like a favorite climbing tree. I've had children talk about their favorite toys, friends, or even the lunch lady at school. People and things make a big impression on us, this is the same for our children.

Adopted children in early childhood hear about adoption as the "chosen baby" story: "We tried to have a baby but we couldn't, so we went to an agency and a really nice lady helped us adopt you." It sounds wonderful then.

But by the time they get to grade school, they've become more analytical about their world. That's when other kids ask, "Where is your real mom? Why didn't your real mom keep you?" Adopted children may feel rejected and depressed, or have temper tantrums. For them, anger is often better than feeling overwhelmed and helpless, especially in front of their friends and classmates.

So how do we as parents acknowledge that their loss was our gain? How can we approach our children as individuals that need to grieve over the loss of the past (regardless of how painful) so that they can grow stronger from it.

Here is what some professionals say, realize that there are stages of grief typical response to loss however our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

There is no timetable for grieving. When a child is grieving here are some of the steps recommended by professionals:

  • First and foremost be emotionally available for their child. Don't try to give reasons, explain away the pain. Let the dialog be primarily one sided.

    Ask questions, "wonder" aloud for your child. "Gosh I wonder how that would feel to not know what your birthmother looked like?"

  • Be accepting of whatever feelings the child is expressing. If you can't tolerate his anger/grief/loss yourself it may be because you have not fully resolved your own. HEALING PARENTS is a wonderful book to help you manager your over reactions to your child's emotions. Your child may not like the fact that he is adopted, he did not choose it. Ambivalence about being adopted is normal too.

  • Validate the child's feelings. That it is okay to feel angry/ confused/ambivalent about adoption, to wonder from where he came from. That you, too, would have lots of feelings if you were adopted yourself. That it must be confusing to not know more about his birthfamily, etc.

  • Help adoptee to identify supportive figures in his life. People we can turn to with questions / concerns . Perhaps an older adoptee, an adopted adult, a favorite grandparent, counselor, etc.

  • Emphasize the temporary nature of the painful feelings. Help them gain perspective without rationalizing or trivializing their feelings. Be realistic (as with any loss), "You'll feel sad for a while, then less sad, and then sad only at certain times and it won't completely go away but it will be less intense. Gradually you will feel less and less angry/sad, etc."

  • Share with the adoptee your own experience with separation and loss (as long as you don't burden your child with extreme sadness - then they'll feel they'll have to parent you! ) . "I don't expect you to take care of my sadness. I have taken care of that. Let me tell you a story about when I was sad ..."

  • Set appropriate limits for the expression of grief. "It's okay to feel angry about that but you can't hurt me or others. Let's find an "okay" way to help you with these feelings. You can punch your bed, you can draw an angry/sad picture, etc."

  • Create an atmosphere conducive to dialogue between yourself and your child. Adoption is an on-going process/dialogue. Watch your reaction to their pain. Do you make pained expressions? Do you brush off, trivialize how they feel because you can not tolerate their loss (because you have not resolved yours?)? Do your children withdraw because they need to "protect" you from how they feel?

  • Maximize the amount of control they have (or think they have) in their life . YES YES YES! Even my 3 year old began feeling stronger and more capable exploring her emotions by simply giving her control of decisions in her life. This does not mean putting them in charge ! Give them choices (about clothes, games, jobs, party plans, etc.). Get them involved in making family rules, planning events, outings, choosing menus, etc.

  • Discuss use of positive adoption language with faculty, staff members at child's school. Be a guest speaker on adoption at PTA meetings, in child's class, etc. Speak with teachers prior to the year starting about family tree project, or adoption topics.

  • A fact to remember - 100% of all adopted children have the desire / need to know more about their birth families / origins . As parents you cannot protect your child from "bad" news or deny helping them get all the information they can. The unknown and fantasies are always worse than the truth.
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